Techniques for Building Rapport & Establishing Comfort

Rapport gives us the potential for creating long lasting, synergistic relationships, but can also be misused. Rapport is a tool much in the same way that a hammer is. Just as a scalpel can be used to heal or to hurt, utilize it to heal. You must use rapport to heal or it will come around and bite you in the ass and you will not succeed in your goals. The best thing you can do is to use rapport in an ethical way to benefit all involved.

Use these techniques to create win-win, synergistic relationships.

BREAKING DOWN COMMUNICATION

55% of communication is physiology, otherwise known as body language, and 38% is in ones voice; tonality, tempo, timbre & volume specifically. The other 7% is the words that you use. Since body language is an often talked about subject in the community, and tonality is pretty much common sense to all of us, I'll be talking specifically about how you can make the MOST out of this last little piece of the puzzle.

What Words Are Comprised Of

There are 4 key parts we have after we break down the last 7% of communication. Words are made up of predicates, key words, common experiences and content chunks. I'll be focusing on each part and also providing some other explanations of things that will be helpful to you in understanding how to utilize these techniques.

Let's begin, shall we?

PREDICATES

Predicate: the word is defined as the part of a sentence or clause containing a verb and stating something about the subject. In NLP, the predicates people use often clue you in to their Representational System.

Ok, TIME OUT!

What is a Representational System, you ask?

Representational Systems

There are 4 basic types of people:

1. Primarily Visual

2. Primarily Kinesthetic

3. Primarily Auditory

4. Primarily Auditory Digital

Allow me to explain about these types of people real quick.

How people learn, memorize and communicate fall into these 4 Representational Systems:

1. Visual - by looking, seeing and visualizing

2. Kinesthetic - by touching, feeling and doing

3. Auditory - by listening and hearing

4. Auditory Digital - using logic, understanding and strategy

There are ways for you to train yourself to easily spot each type of person, but that is beyond the scope of this post.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get back to predicates.

Before the quick background info, we agreed that the definition of predicate was basically a verb. Now let me explain what the importance of them actually is.

The verbs that people use when they speak often dictate what type of Representational System they prefer.

Here's are some examples:

1. If I said "This doesn't feel right to me.", what kind of Representational System would I be using?

2. How about if I said "I can see what you mean."?

3. If I said "That name rings a bell.", what type of person would I be?

4. And if I said "That doesn't make any sense to me.", what type would I be then?

In case you needed the answers 1. kinesthetic 2. visual 3. auditory and 4. auditory digital.

Do you see what I mean? = visual

Do you hear me? = auditory

Do you understand me? = auditory digital

Do you grasp the concept? = kinesthetic

By now you are beginning to understand.

*Note* People can score high levels in each representational system, and may even prefer one system over another system at different times.

KEYWORDS

Keywords are defined as the words that are used to reveal the internal structure of a persons reasoning.

But how are keywords important when building rapport? When you are trying to build rapport in your communications, one of the techniques you can use is Matching & Mirroring.

It's time for another timeout.

Matching & Mirroring

Just like keywords, matching and mirroring is an import piece of building rapport. Allow me to distinguish the difference between them.

Matching - When you are matching someone, you are using the opposite side of your body to mimic their movements.

Mirroring - When you are mirroring someone, you are acting as if you are a mirror image of them.

Matching tends to be less in someone's conscious awareness than mirroring, but mirroring will create a much deeper rapport. You want to be subtle, though, when you are matching and mirroring someone. You always want this to be outside of someone's conscious awareness.

It's important to understand and realize that when you do have a deep and unconscious rapport with someone, that you match and mirror them anyway, something that you already do naturally. It can be viewed as a way of honoring that person, so much that you're willing to become like them in order to communicate with them.

Matching and mirroring can be applied to many different aspects of communication, but here I'm only going to discuss how to do it within the last 7% of communication, because again, it is beyond the scope of this post.

Let's get back on track again.

Using the keywords of the person whom you are building rapport with is a great out-of-conscious way to establish that connection with them. Simply pick out 2 or sometimes 3 keywords from their last sentence or two and use them when you speak back to them.

This is very easy to accomplish during conversations.

COMMON EXPERIENCES

Ever find yourself in a conversation with someone and as they were talking about one of their personal experiences it started reminding you of [b]your[/b] similar experiences? Did you then feel compelled to talk about your experiences as well?

This has happened to us all at one point in our lives and in this situation we were using our words to build rapport with the person we were communicating with.

CONTENT CHUNKS

For now, content chunks could be defined as: the topic of conversation, but more accurately this is beyond the scope of this post.

BUILDING RAPPORT

When you start building rapport within the last 7%, you want to match predicates more than mirror them, and you want to mirror keywords more than you match them. The reason you want to do this is that it will more easily stay outside of someone's consciousness.

In this context, matching predicates would be using similar ones as opposed to the same ones and mirroring key words would be using the exact key words as opposed to matching keywords. Mirroring someone's predicates even once could bring risk bringing it into their consciousness, and matching someone's key words will generally have a lesser effect.

Matching Predicates:

Her: I don't see what you mean.

You: Let me try painting you a picture of what I'm talking about.

Her: I don't think you're hearing me!

You: No, I'm hearing you loud and clear.

Her: I've been trying to get a hold of you all week!

You: I'm just a hard person to get in touch with.

Her: I'm not getting a clear understanding of what you're getting at.

You: Let me explain it in a way that makes sense to you.

Notice how you match their Representational System preference.

Mirroring Keywords:

Her: Yesterday, I had to take my car to the mechanic.

You: Why did you have to take your car to the mechanic?

Her: Oh I think the brakes were going. I started hearing this grinding noise when I was stopping.

You: Yeah, grinding noises are typical when you need your brakes replaced.

Notice how noise goes to noises. The words don't have to be in the exact form, just use the root of the keyword.

You should generally start by matching someone and then switch to mirroring, as matching is less inside consciousness and mirroring is more inside consciousness, thus stepping down into and creating a deeper rapport.

The point of establishing unconscious rapport isn't to always match and mirror someone. You want to meet them where they are and take them where you want them to go, to eventually and unconsciously LEAD them into matching and mirroring you. Once you are successful in accomplishing that, you have successfully built rapport with them.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU'VE ESTABLISHED RAPPORT

There are 4 major indicators:

1. Their feeling inside - They my feel "butterflies in their stomach" or experience a feeling of warmth or familiarity.

2. Their skin color will change - Meeting someone new causes people to go into a state of sympathetic arousal. Their skin will start to flush or blush, signifying a shift from sympathetic functioning to para-sympathetic functioning, which means they go into a state of relaxation.

3. They'll say something about the feeling of familiarity - Have we met before? Do I know you? I feel like I've known you before.

4. Leading - When you start to move, they follow you.

ESTABLISHING COMFORT

When you are successful at building rapport, establishing comfort will typically stem from sharing your common experiences.

As building this kind rapport is generally deeper, you should switch to matching before you end your communication with someone, so as to lead them back out of deep unconscious rapport more gradually.

~Serendipitous

The Value In Failure

Most people are afraid to fail. They are afraid to even begin something if the result will be failure. But those are the people that miss out, who stay the same, who don't grow and stay the same.

Reasons to fail:

- Learn about yourself

- Learn how not to do something

- Learn better ways to do something

- What we learn enables us to succeed in the future

- You fight harder to get what you want

- To keep going

- Gain experience

Quotes:

I make more mistakes than anyone I know. Eventually, I patent them.

- Thomas Edison

It's only a failure if we fail to get the learning.

- Scott Cook, Owner, Intuit

Google distinguishes between bad and good failures, the latter of which have two characteristics: 1) discerning why you failed and applying that to future projects; and 2) speed: fail fast and early before investing more than necessary or damaging your brand.

Give yourself permission to fail.

Seek out mentors and learn from their failures. Learn from their successes too.

Stop Playing The Victim, Accept Personal Responibility

There are people I know who are always at the affect of something. "Bobby did X and now I can't do Y.", "She slapped a restraining order on me and I have no idea why but now I think I'm going to jail. I didn't do anything!".

Seriously, that kind of thinking is harmful. Keep thinking that way and it will always stay that way. I think that this kind of thinking is responsible for a lot of racism. One race is at the affect of another race. That's bullshit. Keep looking for reasons to think that way and that's all you'll ever see.

On the other hand, if you think that everything that happens to you is a result of something you did, now then you're on to something. A lot can be said about accepting personal responsibility, but I'll start with this: Once you accept personal responsibility for everything that happens to you, it forces you to start examining your choices.

"I live in this trailer park now because I made the choice not to leave after high school."

"That beautiful woman walked away from me because I acted boring/creepy/not confident/ etc."

Can you see what happens between placing the blame on an external source and accepting personal responsibility?

Accepting responsibility reveals your choices, and when you become aware of your choices you can then know you need to make different, better choices.

This is a trait that, once you incorporate it into your life, in can spin you around in a complete 180, right towards your goal. So adopt this into your life and track your results.

Your Skill vs. His Skill vs. The Next Guy's Skill vs...

I hear guys comparing their skill to other people all the time, this too, is another ego issue. The truth is IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Why?

It doesn't matter because we all come from different places in our lives and there are an infinite amount of things that mold and shape us into the people that we are, and since there is no possible way to take all of these things into account on an even level, it just doesn't fucking matter.

The only skill level you need to be concerned with is your own. Unless you have someone you are mentoring/coaching.

"Intermediates"

I've noticed a recent trend with some of the guys who have asked me for help in the past few weeks. When prompted to state what level they think they are, they say "intermediate". The problem with that is this: If you can't accurately place yourself skill wise, you're going to have trouble getting better.

This is more often than not an ego issue with guys. Look. Put that shit down. You don't need to impress anyone with your skill. That's useless. Thinking that way does more harm than good because you are deluding yourself. what you do need to do is be honest with yourself and where you are. With the right perspective you can figure out what you need to do to progress.

So what, then, constitutes "intermediate"? That's going to vary from guy to guy relative to his goals, and the formula is as follows: Intermediate = Your Goal/2. That means you need to be halfway to your goal. So basically what I'm saying is IF YOU'RE NOT HALF WAY TO YOUR GOAL YET, YOU ARE NOT INTERMEDIATE. There. I said it.

If your goal is fuck 1 new girl a week, and you fucked two girls last year, you're not intermediate.

If your goal is to get a serious girlfriend, and you're not going out on dates yet, you're not intermediate.

If your goal is to have 4 fuck-buddies, and you're not having sex at all, you're not intermediate.

I'm done trying to sound like the Jeff Foxworthy of the PU world.

If you really want to put a label on yourself, try Advanced Beginner. I guess that means you've got your basics down, you just aren't putting the pieces together.

~ Serendipitous

Learning A New Game

No matter how you look at it, pickup is a journey in which many discoveries are made. In this sense, it can be related to many other things. Yesterday I had a realization that I want to document, perhaps you can relate.

Went to school for 7 months for cosmetology, want to do cuts and colors, recently became employed in a high end salon. Now that you're up to speed.

I was talking to Vajra on my lunch yesterday about starting at the bottom and working your way up. I was a little down about it, having to start here again at this point in my life.

Later on when I was back at work I had a revalation. My boss is a no-bullshit kind of guy, he cuts straight to the chase. This being my first job in a salon, I'm definitely not up to par. He knows this and his job is to get me up to speed as fast as possible. My job, other than cleaning up behind everyone else, is to work hard at getting good at everything, and that means starting out at the beginning. So, it's not the bottom, it's just a beginning.

When I coach pickup, my goal is to bust a guy's ass in a no-bullshit way. But there I was, standing at the sink, trying to shampoo, getting my ass busted for not doing it right. That's a really important moment and you need to make the right choice. Mine was that I am grateful to have this kind of teacher. If I'm not doing it right, call me on it and push me to improve. I see too many guys make a different choice here. They choose to feel hurt and they retreat and try to heal the wound. FUCK THAT. I don't have time for that. I want to get good and start making money ASAP so I'm willing to put away any kind of bullshit that's going to hold me back.

Incidentally, when I have these moments of clarity, when I'm learning that I'm not doing something to the best of my ability, and I'm learning the right way... I smile. I laugh. I'm happy to be making progress, to be moving forward and laughing at myself helps me embrace the new way. I just hope the boss doesn't think I'm laughing at him. :)

So here's to learning a new game. Salon Game...

~Serendipitous

The Importance of Shit Tests

"Women test you because they want you to pass."

I think this applies to and is true in some situations, but with women you've just met I would say that they don't "want" you to pass their shit tests. The information they get if you fail is just as important to them than if you pass.

The major thing about tests is that it defines the opposites, the man from the woman. When you pass a test it creates that magnetism that both forces us apart and makes us want more. Sometimes this can be called breaking rapport, but it goes much deeper than that.

When a man complies instead of defies, he embraces the female energy.

When a man defies instead of complies, he embraces the male energy.

Example:

I saw a blonde on the street the other day and left where I was sitting to sarge her. I catch up to her and say:

Me: Hey, I saw you pass by and I had to come talk to you. Hi, I'm Serendipitous. [direct sincere]

Her: (smiles) Hi, I'm Girl.

Me: So what's your story? [direct qualifier]

Her: I don't have one. [shit test]

Me: Ah, don't give me that. Tell me something about yourself. [pass test, command her]

Her: Well I have a boyfriend. [shit test]

Me: Oh yeah? What's his name? [call her bluff]

Her: Um... (tries thinking of one) ...it doesn't matter. (smiles coyly) [damn right it doesn't matter, she's caught bluffing, I pass the test]

Me: Ok, so what are doing right now? [command, angling for an instadate]

Her: I should really be walking alone. (smiling) [one last shit test]

Me: Oh, I like your hair, how'd you do that? [ignore test and change thread]

And off we went into a conversation that ended with her giving me her number.

3 shit tests right off the bat. Did she want me to pass at any given point? Probably not. She was testing to see if I was weak or if I was strong.

If at any point I failed the tests, she would have the most important information she needed at that moment about me, and that would be that I wasn't strong enough to take care of her. Since I passed her initial tests, she decided I was worthy enough to continue talking to, at least for the time being, and at least enough to give out her number.

But getting back to opposites. It's the yin and the yang, the north and the south magnetic, the opposite energy that allows us to be whole with the other gender, and allows us to be individuals at the same time.

When there isn't something for her to push back against, she realizes that you don't have what she's looking for, that she couldn't be whole with you. She needs your male energy because she's incomplete without it. Nice guys don't understand this and only try to comply with her, which pushes her away.

Take a strong hold of your male energy and embrace it. When women realize you can complete them, they'll want to be around you more.

~Serendipitous

The Difference Between Being A Player And Being A Pickup Artist..

This is more of a rant I guess.

There was this guy at an event last month who wanted my buddy Legend to teach him how to close. For one, the guy wasn't even approaching and for two, he didn't want to have to talk to women for more than a few minutes, he just wanted to find a girl and fuck her within 5-10 minutes. Right off the bat I can tell this guy has a few problems, the biggest being that he has something against women. He wasn't interested in them as people at all. He was literally just looking for a way to use them for sex. Not that he shouldn't be able to make that choice in his life, but as we looked at him through PUA eyes, this guy is bad news. Pickup isn't what he's looking for.

* Disclaimer: Being a pickup artist isn't about using women for sex, though I'm sure there are some guys who do that, IMHO they are missing the point, but a PUA is, intrinsically, interested in women as a resource to enrich his life with and he finds the value in each woman around him. Before I start preaching let's get back to this guy..

If you're not interested in getting to know a woman ever, just go fuck prostitutes, why waste your time here when you aren't interested in women as people? Sure, you could probably get lucky once or twice and find a woman who isn't interested in getting to know you either (and you're not worth getting to know with that mindset anyway) who will use you like you want to use her. And maybe that's fine with you, but as a PUA, I'm not going to pass these skills on to you. Take off that business shirt, go find some homies in the 'hood, start drinking a 40 and have those guys teach you how to a player, which is exactly what you're looking to be.

Okay. Now that I've gotten the inspiration for this post off my chest, I want to talk about what sets players apart from pickup artists.

Women, by nature, are designed to ward off assholes like this guy, because the risks of being with him are way too high. If she gets pregnant by this guy, he's not going to be around and her instincts serve her well in smelling out this rat. Second on the risks list are STD's. A guy with a mindset like this is more likely to have contracted an STD that could her irreparable damage.

For those reasons, wanting to be a player isn't in a guys best interest.

A pickup artist, on the other hand, is the kind of guy who enjoys the

company of women. He enjoys what they bring into his life and finds

the value they each have inside. He has sex with her if they both feel

so inclined, not as way to take something from her, but to add

something to her. He wants to show her a good time, to unleash the

sexual adventure inside of her.

~Serendipitous

Game Is As Flexible As You Can Imagine It To Be

The best thing about Game is that it's the most flexible thing I know. Even more than that yoga chick who puts her legs behind her head.. You might be wondering how game is flexible, and that's a good thing, it's good that you're thinking about it. I always think about how I can use game in different ways. The last few weeks I was thinking about using it more in a business sense, I've got an FR coming detailing the highlights of that experiment, but today I want to talk about game along the lines of customizing it for your own life.

My Situation:

I'll start with my own life. My situation is that I've been in a relationship for 11-12 years now, though I consider myself polyamorous. She's the mother of my children, 2 boys, 8 & 10 years old. We all live together. If that isn't a set of circumstances to work around, I don't know what is.

My Limitations:

- Don't have a place to bring girls to. No seduction location.

- I don't have much time to invest in a relationship.

- My car has been off the road for since December.

- My LTR doesn't want to meet any girl I'm involved with.

Those are the major ones, the biggest ones to work around. Here's how I deal with them.

1. No seduction location.

The easiest way I found to get around this one is to qualify girls based on wether they have their own place or not. Once I know that they do, I know she's worth investing my time in. In the case that she doesn't, I have a close friend who will let me drop by. Or I can find a park when the weather is nice. Or fuck in her/my car, I hate fucking in cars though.

2. I don't have much time to invest in a relationship.

This one has to do with framing the relationship. After I fuck the lucky girl, I use the fuck buddy frame to steer the relationship towards where I want to go. Setting the frame can be as simple as saying: 'Hey, that was really fun. We should definitely do that again sometime soon.' You have to act that way too, and be mature with your feelings. It takes a certain amount of restraint to hold back when you want to give a new lover more attention than you can afford. Just be intellectual about it.

3. My car has been off the road for since December.

Again, qualify looking for a girl with a set of wheels. You better be a damn good fuck if you expect her to come pick you up for sex on any kind of regular basis though.

4. My LTR doesn't want to meet any girl I'm involved with.

Truth be told, I love threesomes with girls. Since my LTR doesn't want to be involved with any of the girls I get it on with, I must qualify girls based on their bisexuality or bicuriosity. Once you find a steady, bisexual fuck buddy, things get a little easier. Then you've got a co-conspirator with her own place who likes fucking girls with you. Then it doesn't if the third girl has her own place or not. It still helps that she's got her own wheels though.

If you want a process to figure out how to design game around your own limitations, here it is:

1. Know your limitations. Write them down, figure out what the biggest ones are. Forget the other ones for now. Just get over the biggest few.

2. Make a list of ways you can get around them. This takes some time to think about and it might stretch you brain a little bit, but it doesn't take much more than time and the effort of thinking.

3. Qualify accordingly. Whatever your needs are, qualify girls looking for ones that can provide a solution to the problem. Stay away from girls who are going to add to the problem.

There you go.

Hope it helps.

~Serendipitous

Choices

The decision to change my life was a relatively simple one and it only took half a second at a time.

Choice. Everything in life boils down to a choice. Everything. Perhaps on a level we aren't even aware of. Sometimes it's a single choice but more often it's a series of many choices.

A holding pattern develops when we aren't conscious of the choices we make on a moment to moment basis. We act in ways that don't benefit us and we develop ineffective behaviors and strategies, never realizing that somewhere in our process lies a place to decide something different. We continue acting the way we do and we never get anywhere in lives. We stay in a holding pattern.

Because we are thinking so fast, we act on our immediate thoughts and never question what we are doing or why we are doing it. We act and behave according to the choices we unconsciously make, never knowing we are in a holding pattern.

There's a way to change this though...

We change it by becoming conscious..

of our thoughts...

from moment...

to moment.

Can you see the perfect you? The person who would never do that behavior?

Can you feel what it's like to be that person? Are they confident and totally in control of their life?

What would that person say to you? What would they tell you to do?

We all know the wonderful things that happen when we accomplish something. Our mind begins to build the image of or new future and our lives begin to change in ways we couldn't have imagined. We build new neurological pathways inside our brain.

Realizing we have other options gives us choice and enables us to break free from our holding patterns. How often do you question your behavior? How often are you making the right choice?

So many times throughout the day little things happen that require us to make split-second decisions, ones that we are usually unconscious of. When one begins to slow their thinking down and really examine what they think and feel and why they think and feel it, they can then begin to take control of their life by choosing to think and feel something that is in line with their long term goals.

Here's an example. You see a woman on your lunch hour that you feel powerfully attracted to so you approach her. You open with "Hi, I'm ____, I saw you over here and I had to come talk to you." She replies with "Fuck off!" What's your immediate reaction? Do you feel angry? Are your feelings hurt? Do you judge her calling her a bitch? What is it you would do?

99 times out of 100, any reaction isn't going to serve your long term goals, where an action would. Someone who isn't in control of their destiny will react whereas someone who is in control of their destiny will act. What's the difference?

Most guys would allow their feelings to get hurt and would react in a defensive manner, probably calling her a bitch as they walked away. Those guys aren't in control of their lives and guess what? They lose out.

A man who is in charge of his life would act in a manner that would best serve his goal of approaching her in the first place. He might say something like: "I'm sorry to have bothered you, you are clearly upset about something. Would you like to talk about it? I was just about to get lunch, would you like to join me?"

Now that response isn't guaranteed to work, but it has a better chance of working than calling her a bitch and walking away, right?

You might be asking "How do I do that?". Here's a very simple 3-step process:

1. State your goal. "I want to get to know her."

2. Ask yourself: What action will best result in me getting what I want?

3. Act the way that will best lead you to what you want.

The worlds most successful people are masters of this process and what makes them successful is their ability to constantly and consistently choose their path through life. When one can master this skill, he becomes driven by his choice making alone.

It's not hard, it just takes practice. This is one of the easiest things to learn to do and one of the most effective strategies to producing the results that you want in your life.

Go out today and use this process 5 times. Use this process everyday for a week. Next week, use it ten times a day. Keep doing this until you choose everything you do, and everywhere you want to go in life.

One last note. I don't know if this process is true or not. I really don't. All I know is that it allows me to produce better results when I act as if it is true.

Now, go out and take control of your life!

~Serendipitous